RETROGADE

Well, I’ve had a month.

 

I’m one of those people who thinks a lot about the stars. Astrology. And for me, it makes sense. If we’re all made of stardust like that one quote says, if we’re all hurtling through the universe at unimaginable speeds, if we still have no idea what exactly makes us “conscious,” then there is a probability that the gravitational pull (and thus the positions/movements) of the stars and planets in our universe affect us here on earth.

 

That got deep. Anyway, I was just trying to say that this recent cycle of Mercury Retrograde smacked me right in the face. Here I thought I was aligned with my purpose, that I was finding my way in this big city, and then… nope. I found out I was getting kicked out of my favorite room that I have ever lived in and ALSO that I had lost my job. My first NYC job. I found out these two things within two weeks in the middle of retrograde. Woooof.

 

I imagine that some of you don’t know what retrograde is, and others of you just know to curse retrograde when things go wrong, so let me take a moment to briefly explain. Over the last couple of years -- since I got “spiritual” -- I have learned that retrograde really isn’t something to fear. Mercury appears to move “backwards” in our skies for about three weeks, and this occurs three or four times a year (depending on our position in the universe). It’s essentially a time when you want to check in with yourself and review all that you’ve been building. What’s working? What needs to be nixed from your life or routine? Are you aligned with your truest self, and your life’s purpose? If you’re aligned, you won’t see much during retrograde aside from an increase in miscommunication and maybe some breaking electronics. If you’re not… well…

 

Well, you get kicked out of your apartment and you get let go from your job.

 

I thought I was aligned -- I journal every morning to work through my feelings and get a grip on the events in my life. I’ve been through about six retrogrades since I focused on being true to myself and my purpose and discovered this side of my spirituality. I really had started to look forward to retrograde as a time to reflect and ensure my energy is being spent as efficiently as possible, so this initially felt like it was coming out of left field. After a lot of reflection, though, I realized that it was a necessary change that was long overdue. I admittedly had avoided initiating these changes out of fear of the unknown, so the universe gave me a bit of a shove.

 

Over the last year, I was immensely dissatisfied with my job. There wasn’t opportunity for me to grow on a professional level. I felt stuck, I felt like my skills were not being utilized, and I felt discouraged by the business decisions made by upper management. I had been “lightly” looking for jobs since the fall, but I wasn’t serious about it. I felt more discouraged in my career as time drug on, but instead of acting, I allowed myself to wallow in my unhappiness.

 

Similarly, I was having trouble with my apartment. I lived with two other girls, and initially we were great friends who hung out each night to talk about life and laugh about dating over a glass of wine. I eventually became closer friends with one roommate, and the other… changed because of it. And it got bad. Like, she’d get jealous if the two of us hung out when she wasn’t home. And she tried to convince a mutual friend that I am a psychopath. I’m pretty sure that’s not a correct diagnosis for my brand of crazy... but I digress. I did my best to try to repair things, but sometimes people decide who you are and there is absolutely nothing you can do to change that opinion. Throughout all of this, I loved my little sunroom with five windows that looked out to a big ole tree and lovely grassy backyards. Then I lost my paradise, because the roommate who didn’t like me was the only person on the lease, and she wanted her friend from back home to move in with her.

 

I was really upset, and then I reflected. I loved my paradise, but it was very small. And the drama was creatively stifling. And it was not clean. And I had been dreaming of having a larger space in a nicer, more mature looking apartment that I would be excited to show to someone I was dating. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise! Nothing I can’t handle. I hit up the Facebook temporary housing community and landed myself a beautiful, larger room in a slightly different, equally cute neighborhood that is walking distance to some dear friends and my favorite social activities.

 

Then, I lost the job. They tried to schedule my firing a week in advance (come on, who meets with the head of HR at 6pm on a Friday for any other reason?). I decided to ask about the meeting, which made them realize that I was on to them, so they fired me a week earlier than they had planned. They were kind enough to give me a decent parting package, so I’m not doing too terribly. Yet.

 

I must say that it’s been weird to grapple with the emotions that came with these changes. It’s so very strange to be forced to let go of something -- in my case, two things -- that I kinda wanted to let go of anyway. I feel absolutely terrified that I won’t find a job and that I’ll have to leave my new favorite city. But, I am equally relieved that I have had time to move to my new apartment, and that I have time to find a job that really suits me and utilizes my talents. I never thought that it was possible to be both terrified and relaxed at the same time, but here I am.

 

Retrograde is a time to align. Clearly, I was not all that aligned. Hah! While this was a shitton of change to deal with simultaneously, I feel like I finally have room to continue my growth for the first time in six months. Thank you, universe, for helping me to align and remember that I deserve happiness in my home and in my workplace. I can guarantee that this will be the last time that I allow myself to wallow in unhappiness without making an effort to change my circumstances.

 

L

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