MUSE

My creativity is a beast. The beast comes to life when I have a muse, and my muses are fleeting, at best. Is this a post about creativity, or is it a post about dating? Well, I don’t know yet. You don’t know yet. We’re going to find out together.

 

I discovered that I have a muse last night. See, I’ve had a little crush. It started off as this duh-crush kind of thing; a duh-crush being like the kind of crush you have on a famous person. The kind where you’re expected to find the person attractive and you’re expected to think they’re the greatest. It’s like a low-key acknowledgement of attraction, but it’s probably not totally genuine and it probably won’t ever turn into anything beyond general appreciation.

 

My crush grew when we went to the park with a friend. The three of us shared music and laughed in the sunshine as we dove deep on some creative ideas. When time finally reminded us that we needed to mind our other scheduled commitments, we wandered out of the park, towards her bike, and smack into a very strange and unnecessary exchange. She outed herself. My external self was somehow able to form words, and I agreed to skating around the boardwalk in Rockaway with her this summer. Internally though, I was spinning out. Like, my only thought was: “???????????????????!!??????!?!?!????????”

 

I’m rendered totally useless when I am in these situations. I overanalyze. My brain goes haywire as I try to figure out what it all means. Dear self: it doesn’t always have to mean something. A girl mentioning that she likes women does not necessarily mean that she’s interested in you.

 

Flash forward a few days, and I scrolled by one of her Instagram posts. So artistic, so creative and cool… yet so hilarious to me. I messaged her to test the waters on whether the humor was intended, and it turns out that she found the video in the compilation equally hilarious. Repeat cycle noted in the previous paragraph. Useless! Oh boy, do I have it bad.

 

So now I have a muse. Now my creativity is awakening. It’s almost like this dragon sitting on a pile of treasure. A pile of souvenirs kept from past muses -- the souvenirs being the songs that I have created. After that conversation last night, I created an adapted cover of one of my favorite songs. Today, I feel a new song or two forming in my creative depths. They’ll likely come to life over the next few weeks, and if I’m lucky, more songs will follow.

 

This is so exciting for me, but I am already feeling sad about when it will end. How much use will I get from my muse until all I have left are souvenirs? The inspiration tends to disappear after one or two songs, whether or not my muse is someone I am dating seriously. Maybe this is why the songs I write sound sad: I’m preemptively mourning the loss of my muse. I’m sad in anticipation of my creativity becoming dormant again.

 

Feelings aside, I am just happy to be able to create again. And, I’m excited to see if any further developments crop up with this awe-inspiring woman. Maybe she’ll only be a muse for the adapted cover; if it grows into something more, you best bet I’ll be back here with an update. Was this post about creativity, or dating? Still not sure -- you can be the judge.

 

L

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